Need Inspiration to Write? Begin Within
by Leah Mullen 

It was a beautifully cool late summer evening, and I was walking down Montague Street in Brooklyn with a sister-writer. During our conversation she commented, "You sound like one of your characters".

The subtle dis wasn't lost on me, yet I STILL felt a sense of satisfaction.

"I am my characters," I said proudly. We walked on and discussed other matters.

Later her words made me think of a question I've asked myself many times and have even posed to other writers: how much of ourselves do we put into our characters? In my case I'd have to say to say that all of my characters-even those I seem to have nothing in common with-represent some part of me.

For instance. I was 24 years old when I got married. Sarah Franklin, one of the main characters in my first novel, Again and Again, was several years younger than me when she said "I do." Another vast difference between Sarah and me is that I did not have children until I was 28, while she gave birth to her daughter Bridget (another main character) when she was still in high school. Having a child at such an early age used to be difficult for me to imagine even though my own mother was fifteen when she had me.

I think I write fiction for the same reason I am drawn to first-person narratives and memoirs like bell hooks Wounds of Passion and asha bandele's Prisoner's Wife. I read these works, to separate from myself, to become the narrator just for a moment. When I close the book, I return from the journey, fuller and more complete. And then I write in my journal (as I am doing now) using this space to define myself over and over again.

It's almost as if I am rootless, searching for meaning everywhere, especially in the characters I create. I created Sarah in order to become her. I designed a world for her to live in with Robert, her estranged husband and Bridget, her misunderstood teenaged daughter.

I choose to write so I can work out my own internal conflict and self doubt via someone who is not me. Then this neutral person can carry the burden of sorting out my issues, using the magic of words.

While I was writing Again and Again, I did not like the way Sarah argued with her husband without restraint while her daughter was in her room across the hall. Sarah was not perfect, but she taught me so much about personal redemption. She clung fiercely to the positive influences in her life and always looked toward the future, which she saw as being filled with endless possibilities.

Sarah also taught me that healing was a life-long process. While she married a loving man, got a good job and moved into her dream neighborhood (despite her miserable past as "the girl no body wanted"), Sarah still had work to do. She knew this and puzzled continuously over the best ways to move forward.

A long, long time ago before I could admit to myself that I was a writer, I was reading a beautifully written novel called The Book of Lamentations by the Mexican author Rosario Castellanos. The story was about an actual event, an uprising of Maya Indians against the Chiapan white, ruling class in Mexico.

While reading, I was amazed at how both the Native and the Caucasians characters came alive. While I appreciated how the research made the book ring true, what awed me was how Castellanos drew and fleshed out the characters' desires.

I was so envious of Castellanos� skill that, at one point I put the book down and felt miserable. When my husband asked me what was wrong I confessed that I couldn't figure out how the writer was able to generate characters who possessed an authenticity that I was not capable of in my own work. That's when my husband gave me one of the best pieces of writing advice that I've ever received.

My husband, who is not a writer, sat on the edge of our bed and said "All she did was look at herself." With those words, something inside of me clicked and a NEW philosophy began to take form. That day on Montague street, despite my sister-writer's slight rebuke, I gave birth to this truth: "I am my characters."

I knew then that great characters begin from within.

Have you ever noticed that when you open up a book, there are entire worlds inside? That's because within each of us there ARE literally universeS waiting to be explored. And so as I write, I am also ascending IN consciousness. By writing I am committed to a life of character development -- not just The ones on my pages, but exploring the depths of my own interior as well.