Here is what an in depth examination of your manuscript or book will look like using AALBC.com's Manuscript Editing Service. Here is another example.
TITLE: Your Novel
AUTHOR’S NAME: Your Name
PLOT:
Jane and Steve are a well-to-do suburban couple with three grown and wonderful
children. Unfortunately, even with all the money they have, Steve (like most
people) wants more. The quest for fast money leads him down a dark and dangerous
road. You have built your plot points and unveiled them in just the right way at
just the right time. Excellent job..
PACE:
With some cutting of the Christmas dinner scene and the hospital scenes later
on, this should improve quite a bit.
DIALOGUE:
You have a good ear. The dialogue works fine.
EXPOSITION:
It is hard to hold a reader’s interest for 400 pages but you pull it off. This
is a suspenseful page-turner written with a strong eye for detail. You have a
great career ahead of you.
Pages 1-11
Okay
Page 12
“Oh-h-h, he went out early this morning.
Why did Jane lie to her daughter?
Page 13
Okay
Pages 14-15
This lengthy description of Bob is well written but do not place it here. It
interrupts the flow. It would be more effective at the point where Bob actually
enters the story.
Page 16
Okay
Page 17
“The telephone rang around three this morning.”
Who made this call and why? Don’t forget to clear up that mystery.
Page 17
“the likelihood that it would, with Lt. Barnes at the helm, was suspect at
best.”
Remind the reader that Lt. Barnes is Angelica’s husband.
Page 18
Okay
Page 19
At the bottom of Page 19, the story switches from Jane’s point-of-view to
Angelica’s. As a result, the narrative gets very confusing.
Pages 20-25
Okay
.
Page 26
A point-of-view shift occurs with “Denise couldn’t help but notice….”
Page 27
Okay
Page 28
“hidden in the large walk-in closet”
This seems very melodramatic. Why can’t she simply go into her bedroom and close
the door?
Pages 29-30
Okay
Page 31
“Ivy had seen Bob on the few occasions she and her mother had been out shopping
together; and she liked what she saw.”
How old is Ivy? Does she prefer older men?
Page 32
“Don’t tell your mother you called me.”
Wouldn’t Steve be relieved that his daughter was a witness to the fact that he
was really at work instead of somewhere else, committing adultery?
Page 33
Okay
Page 34
“Steve raised his foot and kicked the nearest object to him.”
Why?
Pages 34-35
Now Bob enters the picture with his own point-of-view. This is a good place for
the lengthy description and bio which appeared on Pages 14-15.
Page 36
What is WD-40?
Pages 37- 40
Decide on one point-of-view for these pages and stick to it.
Page 37
Okay
Page 38
“I don’t have to give you any explanation.”
Why not? She is his wife. Why does Jane accept this total lack of respect and
disregard for her feelings? This one sentence out of Steve’s mouth leads the
reader to believe that this is not the first time he has mistreated Jane. Why is
she not absolutely stunned by this totally unacceptable behavior?
Pages 39-40
Okay
Page 41
Ivy’s point-of-view is tangled up in here. Set it off in its own paragraph. Do
not switch viewpoints from one sentence to another.
Pages 42-43
Okay
Pages 44-45
Okay
Page 46
“let’s call a truce for today.”
Of course he’ll say yes to this. He stepped out on her and he doesn’t want to
hear any more about it. What is wrong with Jane?
Page 47
There is a run-on sentence that really isn’t necessary since “Christmas dinner
with special friends and family” has already made the point.
Page 48
Okay
Page 49
Pathy? What is this?
Pages 50-55
Okay
Page 56
“French vanilla, caramel-colored skin”
These are two distinctly different shades of blackness. French Vanilla would
indicate Halle Berry. Caramel (look at the candy) might describe Angela Bassett.
Pick one or the other.
Pages 57-59
Okay
Pages 60-68
This needs to be cut down to three pages. You have done a wonderful job of
setting a warm Christmas scene and created an excellent mini-portrait of the
main guests. It is not a good idea to slow the book down by relating every bit
of conversation and small talk that occurs at this party. Also, cut down the
amount of attention given to party guests that the reader will not need to
remember during the rest of the book.
Pages 69-75
Okay
Page 75
Who is Jacob Smith and why is he important to the story?
Page 77
Sally is the only child who has been mentioned. Clear up the confusion.
Pages 78-79
Okay
Page 80
Where is Paul Jr? Why didn’t he come home for the holidays?
Pages 80-83
Okay
Page 84
“Her father was tied up in all this mess”
Does this refer to Paul’s murder? If so, what clues does Ivy have?
Page 85
Okay
Page 86
What is a BP station?
Pages 87-94
Okay
Page 95
“Angelica tried to reach Bob”
Why does she want anything to do with the man who abused her? Didn’t she move
into a gated community in order to be safe from him? Why does she care so much
about Paul?
Pages 96-100
Okay
Page 101
“purred Debra”
Does he wonder why she is behaving in a seductive and unprofessional manner?
Pages 102-119
Okay
Page 120
“We’re stealing from them”
Stealing what from whom?
Page 121
Okay
Pages 122-124
Why didn’t Paul simply tell Jane about his discovery? Why write a letter? Why
didn’t Paul confront Denise when he saw her hiding down in the car?
Pages 125-126
Okay
Page 127
Amy has a “thrashing” voice.
What do you mean by “thrashing”
Pages 128-129
Okay
Page 130
“reasons why she thinks Paul might have been murdered?”
She thinks that Paul was murdered (not an accident or suicide) because the SUV
was riddled with bullets!
Pages 131-145
Okay
Page 146
“hoping her office etiquette had gone unnoticed”
What do you mean by this?
Pages 147-154
Okay
Pages 155-163
Okay
Page 164
How did Bob know that Darryl paid Carol a visit?
Pages 165-228
Okay
Pages 229-230
Denise and Jane are friends. Jane finds out that her husband is sleeping with
Denise. When confronted, her husband admits it. Most women would throw their
husband out of the house. Most women would confront Denise. Jane does not do
either. Why not?
Pages 231-238
Okay
Pages 239-255
Okay
Page 256
“Just exercising my lungs,” Jane replied.
Why did Jane tell this lie? Why doesn’t she tell her children the truth about
Denise and Steve?
Pages 257-258
Okay
Page 259
“exuding a little pettiness”
Jane is not being petty at all. Her behavior, since the beginning of the book,
actually borders on sainthood.
Pages 260-281
Okay
Page 282
“no bonus for you”
This doesn’t make sense. If Debra has stolen $250,000 of her boss’ money, she
certainly doesn’t care about losing her annual bonus.
Pages 283-315
Excellent! Very believable climax and resolution!
