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TITLE: Your Novel
AUTHOR’S NAME: Your Name
PLOT:
Gladys is a soon-to-be-divorced mother of a young son named Rob. .She works
as the Assistant Headmaster at a fancy prep school. When women who seem to
have a connection to Gladys, start getting murdered, her world is turned
upside down. Is she next on the killer’s list? Gladys is forced into a race
against time to save her own life. The plot is well constructed and
believable. Good job.
PACE:
The pace is too slow. Two ways to pick it up would be have Gladys start
searching for Tyrone a whole lot sooner and have her drop the Marshall angle
a whole lot earlier.
MAIN CHARACTERS:
Gladys
Her character needs the most work. Sometimes her lack of action is simply
inexplicable. Also, it is still not clear at the end whether she still loves
Tyrone or not. In addition, that divorce paper is left hanging in the air.
She must respond to it and the reader needs to know that she is thinking
about what she will and Rob will get out of it.
Tyrone
It is clear why he ran away but his knowing that he is suspected of being a
serial killer and doing nothing about it just does not work. He must take
some action….even if it just means going down to the police station and
trying to sort it all out.
Larry
Fine.
Alice
Fine.
Cora
Her character is the weakest and, since she doesn’t really participate in
the resolution, I would advise you to cut her out of the novel completely.
Give all of Cora’s necessary
scenes to Alice.
Elaine
Fine.
DIALOGUE:
Remember that every line of dialogue in a novel must do one of the
following: a) show character or b) advance the plot. You slip occasionally
but there are no major problems.
EXPOSITION:
Watch out for run-on sentences, grammatical errors and dialogue that does
not show character or advance the plot.
Pages 1-10
Fine.
Page 11
“We shake hands again, and he turns and walks out. After a few seconds, I
wonder if the ambulance is gone, and if it’s safe to let him go out, but
when I peep round the doorway, I see Larry’s walk.”
Is the ambulance gone? Doesn’t Larry have a deadline on the pictures? If Mr.
Marshall hired him, can he just walk away right now because Gladys has to go?
Show her thinking about the possibility of her boss’ anger.
Page 12
“It’s like the Jolly Green Giant tipped over the houses and dumped the
people out.”
Good imagery.
Page 13
“I lock Rob’s black Raven’s jacket in my trunk, then wipe a black smudge
from my new white Maaco paint job.”
Someone has been murdered in the house next door. Gladys’s babysitter has
called. Gladys has left her job to go home and make sure that her son is
going to be all right. Would she really stop to lock up a jacket and clear
up a smudge? Delete this sentence and keep the sense of urgency going.
Page 14
“Cora giggles behind us as we enter her kitchen.”
“”Cora says and I laugh at her bootleg present.”
There is a body next door. Rob has just told his mother a terrible story.
The reader would expect Gladys to get to the bottom of all this BEFORE there
is any giggling, laughing or present giving. If nothing else, this all makes
Gladys and Cora seem like highly insensitive (to the dead woman next door
and to poor Rob) people.
Pages 15-23
Fine.
Page 24
Cora really wants the cops to meet Gladys. Her behavior is so persistent
that the reader instantly believes that Cora is mixed up in the tragedy next
door.
Pages 25-26
Fine
Page 27
Why doesn’t Gladys ask Loretta about her trashed office? Also, don’t forget
to inform the reader (before the book ends) about why this office was
trashed.
Page 28
Fine.
Page 29
The office setting is very detailed and descriptive. Nicely done.
Pages 30-34
Fine.
Page 35
Larry works two jobs. Why?
Pages 36-45
Fine.
Page 46
This is where the reader decides that Larry must be the killer. It is a
belief that lasts until the last chapters of the book. You did an excellent
job of throwing the reader off track of the real killer.
Pages 47-49
Fine.
Pages 50-52
The Tyrone mystery is very suspenseful and nicely executed. Good job.
Pages 53-55
Fine.
Page 56
“Now I’m going to find out just what the hell is going on with my husband
and the rest of my life.”
What about the student with the stitched head?
Page 57
When is the last time Elaine saw Rob before this moment?
Pages 58-61
Fine.
Page 62
“I hope you’re not sleeping with any other men while you’re waiting for my
son?”
What??? She has one hell of a nerve! Why doesn’t Gladys put this woman
firmly in her place?
Page 63
“That’s really not important, dear.”
Again, why doesn’t Gladys put this woman firmly in her place?
Page 63
I sit there staring at the check. What is this? To keep me nice to Tyrone?
Why didn’t she insist on knowing what the check was for?
Pages 64 – 65
Fine.
Page 66
How old is Lauren?
Page 67
Rob didn’t eat? Why not?
Pages 68-74
Fine.
Pages 75 – 77
Gregg and Gladys weren’t close, so why doesn’t she insist upon knowing a)
why he is telling her all of this and b) if Lauren knows that he is telling.
Pages 78-83
Fine.
Page 84
“If Gregg is right, what made Tyrone turn against her?”
It doesn’t matter if Gregg is right or not, Tyrone still owed his wife an
honest explanation before leaving her.
Page 108
“I’ll ask him if he knew those women and find out what’s really in his
background.”
How about asking him why he really disappeared and what he plans to do about
alimony, child support and other divorce issues?
Pages 109-115
Nothing much happens in these pages. Delete.
Pages 116-128
Cut all of this down to just the romance with Larry and how Gladys messes up
the speech.
Page 129
Why is Alice at the school in the middle of the night?
Pages 130-136
Fine.
Pages 137-143
Cops play things close to the vest. It is not believable that Bates
shares so much. He has no way of knowing that Gladys is not the killer. If
you need the reader to have this information, let Larry slowly give her
inside details of the police investigation. Even though he is a cop, a man
might do that if he is in love.
Pages 144-145
Nothing much happens in these pages. Delete.
Pages 146-152
Fine.
Page 153
“Tyrone doesn’t know much about me personally..”
Didn’t she tell him her life story? After all, they lived under the same
roof for ten years.
Page 155
The fact that Gladys has not confronted Tyrone yet is irritating and
(considering her life is at stake) just unbelievable.
Pages 156-163
Fine.
Page 164
“And you still haven’t talked to Tyrone about all this?” Alice asks.
Exactly! It really makes Gladys seem stupid.
Page 164
“Before I got sick with that cold, I was going to talk to Tyrone. But then
Alice got killed, and I got sick, and now I’m just depressed.”
But someone may her next on their killing list.. She should drag herself to
Tyrone if she has had an appendectomy let alone a common cold!
Pages 165-170
Fine.
Page 171
Why doesn’t she suspect Larry?
Pages 172-191
Fine.
Page 192
They’re friends. Why hasn’t Cora been to Gladys’s house before?
Pages 193-195
Fine.
Page 196
“He never even bought my wedding ring.” I stick out my right hand showing my
emeralds and diamonds.
This is confusing. Did she buy her own emerald and diamond wedding ring?
Why? Clear this up or delete.
Pages 197-199
Fine.
Page 200
It is ridiculous that we are over halfway through the book and Gladys still
has not tracked Tyrone down.
Pages 201-204
Fine.
Page 205
“I know Marshall is out to get me, either killed, fired or both…”
Fired, yes but killed? There is not enough scary Marshall related material in
the story for the reader to suspect that the killer is Marshall.
Page 206
Cora breaks into a run and Gladys stops (although their lives may be about
to end) to lock a door. What is wrong with her?
Page 207
“as I shift from park to drive slowly so it catches.”
When did Gladys start having car trouble?
Pages 208-215
Fine.
Page 216
Cora is flirting with Tyrone. Cora is Gladys’s friend. Even if there weren’t
the possibility that Tyrone is going to kill Gladys, Cora’s behavior would
still be unacceptable. Why doesn’t Gladys lash out at her?
Pages 217-222
Fine.
Page 223
Why does Gladys automatically think that Alice’s daughters know everything
that is going on between Alice and her boss? Do most adult daughters know
everything about their mother’s lives at work?
Pages 224-232
Fine.
Page 233
“I’m ecstatic when I show up at Larry’s apartment, but from the minute I
arrive, nothing goes well.”
If Gladys feels that she is being treated badly, why doesn’t she just go
home?
Pages 234-236
Fine.
Page 237
“Let the detectives go drink with him and take his glass. It’s not MY JOB.”
Wait a minute! It’s not her job to go around investigating Marshall or anyone
else either but she does it. However when it comes to Tyrone, she won’t do
it. Is she still in love with him? Does she love him enough to die at his
hands?
Page 238
“Right now, you’re so interested in getting even with Marshall, you don’t even
see what’s really going to hit you.”
Larry is absolutely right and it makes Gladys sound stupid. Remember that a
reader has to be rooting for Gladys in order for the book to work. It is
hard to be afraid for her when she acts like this.
Pages 239-240
Fine.
Page 241
“Me, set up my husband?”
This man has abandoned her and sent her divorce papers! What husband?
Page 242
Fine.
Page 243
“The panties were slashed, long ragged lines.”
Isn’t Gladys ready to call the police now about Tyrone? Why not?
Pages 244-251
Fine.
Page 252
“Your Aunt Helen will let you stay with her…”
Why can’t Gladys stay with her mother? Also, remind the reader where Rob is.
Page 253
Maria is Gladys’s mother, right? If so, then just say “mommy or mama”
throughout the book. If not, who is Maria?
Page 254
Fine.
Page 255
Elaine as the killer? Interesting theory. She is certainly loony enough.
Excellent way to keep the reader in suspense.
Pages 256-258
Gladys is actually thinking about saving her own life instead of other
things. Good.
Pages 257-262
Fine.
Page 263
“I bend over and trace the marks with my fingertips, and clearly see that
it’s the word “BITCH.”
After this, Gladys just goes in the house and on about her business. Why
isn’t she upset?
Page 263
“No, we’re actually in Delaware with my parents…”
If Gladys thinks Elaine may have something to do with the murders, why does
she give her location?
Pages 264-265
Fine.
Page 266
“Tyrone needs you Gladys, to be the wife you promised him. And I need you to
continue to do that.”
Why doesn’t Gladys tell Elaine that they are getting divorced?
Pages 267-269
Pages 270-272
Fine.
Page 273
Why did mom want to leave dad?
Page 274
“I’m not going to trick him to give him to the police. Because that’s not
me!”
Come on! Enough already! The man does not care about her, she has a son who
does not need to see her in a coffin and women are being murdered.
Pages 275-277
Fine.
Page 278
Larry and Gladys are not lust driven teenagers. What about respect for her
parents’ home?
Page 282
“Tyrone is not the vicious murderer you think!”
“You don’t know that! Again, let’s do this right, Steffi.”
Once again, Larry is 100% correct. It is not clear why Larry continues to
put up with her.
Page 283
“I don’t understand this at all. Do you still dig this Tyrone or something?”
The reader doesn’t understand her motivations either.
Pages 284-291
Fine.
Page 292
To Build Desire in Your Beloved
Is this spell made up by the author of Deadly Desires? If not, it is
copyrighted material and cannot be used in this book without the original
author’s written permission.
Page 296
Elaine’s store is open on New Years Day? What time does Gladys arrive at the
store?
Pages 297-312
Fine.
Page 313
Remind the reader who Vickie is.
Pages 314-322
Fine.
Page 323
Makeup? That’s when ten years of disappearing was all about?
Surprise! Good plot twist! Excellent!
Pages 324-327
Fine.
Pages 328-332
Very good suspense.
Page 333
“Tell me you want him, and I’ll leave him alone. If you don’t I’m sorry,
Gladys.”
Gladys’s friendship with Cora should definitely end now.
Pages 334-338
Fine.
Pages 339-341
Very good.
Pages 342-351
Excellent! I never guessed the truth!
Page 352
Why was the janitor tearing up Alice’s room?
Pages 353-368
Excellent! Very believable climax and resolution!